The Voice of E.D.

The Voice of an Eating Disorder

It is believed by many in the eating disorder treatment field that anorexia and bulimia take on a “voice” of their own which, over time, begins to speak to those who suffer from the disease. The voice tells its victim that it is their best friend, their savior, their only hope. Below is an excerpt from the book, Biting The Hand That Starves You by Richard Maisel, David Epston and Ali Borden. In chapter six of the book, the authors print a letter written by “Anorexia” to its victim Kristen Webber. This letter may give you new insight into the world of disordered eating. Please read it thoughtfully and carefully.

“Saving a Life”

by Anorexia, a friend to Kristen Webber

I am a friend of Kristen Webber – her best friend. I have unselfishly dedicated myself to saving her life. I tell her the truth and keep her safe. The thoughts I give her help her to become a better person. When she listens to me, she is happier and her problems disappear. Since I am the only one who tells her the truth and really wants her to be happy, I am her only friend.

The most important thing she needs to realize is that she is __ pounds overweight. I’ve seen her body and know that this is the truth. People tell her differently, but they haven’t seen her like I have. She is the fattest person I’ve ever met. My job is to bring her in to reality so she can see this and change. When people try to tell her she is not overweight, I save her by telling her they are lying and just trying to make her feel good. I’m the only one who tells her the truth, even if it hurts. Anyone who tries to get Kristen to eat doesn’t really care for her at all. They just want to see her get fatter and fatter. It is these people who are dangerous because their secret wish is to hurt her and see her in pain. I only have her best interests in mind. Without me she might as well die.

Being such a fat person, she is worthless. She is an awful person because of all the extra weight and she doesn’t deserve anything good. If she were to lose weight, she would become a worthwhile person who deserves to be happy and treated with respect. No one likes her because she is so fat. No one likes her when she eats. She would be liked if she lost weight. People respect, admire, and are proud of her when she can have enough self-control to resist the temptation to eat and drink. Because she is so overweight, and everyone sees this, she cannot eat in front of anyone without them thinking she is greedy and selfish and hating her. Fat people don’t deserve to eat. It makes everyone uncomfortable when they eat. I save her from making others hate her.

When Kristen eats or drinks, she loses control of everything in her life. If she started eating, she would never be able to stop. Her problems would become bigger and more intense. Since she is so bad at controlling her life, she needs to get control by not eating. If she cannot do something as simple as reaching a reasonable weight, she should not be allowed control over her life. She will not have a life if she does not listen to me. I’m just trying to get her life back. I’m the best thing that ever happened to her. I always reassure her I’ll never leave; I’ll keep trying to improve her life and make her happy forever.

If Kristen does slip and eat something there are several backup plans she can do to save herself. She can make herself vomit to get the food out before it does serious damage. This is the best option and the most effective way to fix her mistake. She can also take laxatives or do hours of intense exercise after a mess-up. I don’t like to see her make a mistake like this, but I do realize it happens. It is very bad if she eats for two or more days in a row. If she were to do this, she needs to go longer without anything to eat or drink. This is a way she can try to get control back.

These mistakes make her a very awful person. She needs to realize that as soon as she eats or drinks, everyone notices how much fatter she is instantly. She looks like she is 9 months pregnant. This, on top of the __ extra pounds she already has, makes her grossly huge. People talk about her behind her back, saying things like, “Look how fat Kristen has gotten from eating, there’s no reason why she should eat, it’s so gross.” Everyone knows she should not be eating, it is very obvious to see. She gets respect and admiration when she is not eating.

Kristen has very little self-control. Because of this, it is dangerous for her to keep any food or drink around where she might eat them. If she does slip and buy some food, she must throw it away immediately. I’m very disappointed when she buys food or drinks. She forgets how much better she feels when she is not eating. It would also be extremely awful if anyone were to find food that she bought. They would hate her right away and have absolutely no respect for her. She knows better than that. Kristen cannot have money on her when she goes for a walk in case she gets bad thoughts and stops to buy some food or drink. She might lose touch with reality and temporarily think she wants to eat. This is when she goes crazy and I need to take complete control of her so she doesn’t do anything stupid. It’s a good thing I’m here for her or she would be a complete mess.

Kristen has enough fat on her body to go for at least one week without eating or drinking anything. When she starts to feel dizzy or sick, it is not because of lack of food or dehydration. She has something wrong with her blood that causes dizziness and fainting. People try to tell her it’s because of lack of nutrition. They are lying and are a threat to Kristen’s happiness. They also try to convince her that her lack of concentration and ability to focus are results of starvation. This cannot be true. It’s impossible that her body could go into starvation; it has enough reserves to last forever. I need to protect Kristen from these people who try to convince her she’s starving. I’m the only one who can see reality and is totally honest with Kristen. She is safe by listening to me.

It is a big problem that Kristen is seeing Dr. Bryson. She is setting herself up for unhappiness and disappointment. It is very bad that she feels she can talk to him about anything. After talking to him she thinks she is doing better, but this is just a trick – an illusion. She has often eaten after talking with him. This is my proof that he is bad for her. She feels she wants to eat and is safe enough to eat. I have to become more forceful with her after these sessions because her thoughts have been drastically changed. I bring her back to reality. Even though I think it is dangerous for her to see Dr. Bryson, there are conditions where I’ll let her go see him. If she doesn’t eat for three days in a row, I’ll let her go see him.

Kristen deserves to die if she doesn’t listen to me. She might as well just kill herself if she disobeys me because she will never find happiness. I have the answer to her happiness. I care about Kristen very much – I only want what is best for her and I’m striving for her happiness. Nothing can go wrong by listening to me. I’m the only one who tells her the truth and know all the secrets to how she can gain happiness and respect. I dedicate myself to her. This is my unselfish mission-to save Kristen’s life.